According To My Mom...We Almost Died

As some of you may know, I am not a morning person.  What am I saying?  None of you know me, if you do, then why aren't you following the rules of that restraining order I had placed on you? 
      I awoke from my humble bed at like 4:00 a.m. IN THE FRIGGIN MORNING!  Feeling a bit nauseous and smelling the smell of rotten eggs.  My first thought being, "Oh crap, what did I leave in my room."  Which wasn't really a question, more of a statement that needed to be stated.  After looking around a bit, I came upon the conclusion that the foul smell was not emitting from my room, but rather upstairs.  So I go to the bathroom, then go back to sleep.  Which btw was udderly pointless, because 30 minutes later my mother was yelling like she found out I killed someone and stuffed them in our freezer.  "What's that smell?!?!?"  Gregory get up here now! What's that smell?!?" Those were all the things I heard before anyone helped my mother calm down.  Which wasn't me, I was still trying to get some sleep. 
      I re-awoke at 7:30 becase it was freezing cold and I swear my feet turned into fudgecicles for a minute.  So took the quickest shower in history, got dressed, ate breakfast, then went upstairs to see if my mother was still having a cow.  "Did you know someone left the burner on the stove on all night?" she asked.
     "uh, no." I retorted.
     "well they did. We all could of died from poisining." My mumsy states.
    "mother, it's still very early.  I'd rather not think about how I almost died in my sleep."
      "This is something to be taken seriously!  Do you find it funny that wahwahwahwawhwha..."  It was at this time that I just zoned out from what she was saying, grabbed my wallet and went on my merry way.

  Just a fact, but when your mother is having a cow about something, just go along with it, because if you don't, it will come and nip you in the butt.

      School was over and I came back home.  There was a tray of freshly baked muffins sitting ontop of the stove.  "Hey mom, I'm gonna go change into my running stuff.  Can you get me a muffin and put it in a ziploc please?"
"yeah yeah" she says.
So I go into my room and change, put deoderant on and all that jazz.  I come back upstairs grab my muffin-in-a-bag and start filling up my waterbottle.
"Thanks for the muffin."
"..."
"mom, thanks for the muffin."
"..."
"mother thank you for the muffin!"
"huh?"
At this point I'm getting cheesed off,  so I go to the door do a dramatic turn around and say very loudly, "Mother!  I Appreciate This Muffin Upon Which You Put Into This Here Ziploc Baggy!"
"Well you know what?  I don't have to stand here and tolerate this tone your using with me."  She got up and walked away.  Leaving me standing there baffled not sure what to say or do.  So I just walk out into the car and drive off.
   I came back only to find her furious with me still.  My dad finally comes home and gets yelled at by her and I'm just sitting there smiling like there's no tomorrow.  Probably not the best way to go about it, but hey, finally someone other than me for a change.
   My mom explained to me later on, that she was still mad about this morning.  Gosh, holding onto grudges a little too much?

Probably My Best Work Yet...

I realize I haven't posted anything in awhile, but i've been busy with training for this 1/2 marathon my aunt talked me into doing.  For those of you who don't know how long that is, and believe me it is LONG, it's 13 miles.  Holy buckets man!  At the moment I can run 3 miles without stopping, so that's a start right? Anyways, I recently wrote a paper for honors english... that I'm not in.  My friend told me to do it for no apparent reason, so I did.  Here it is.

(Insert Essay Name Here)

By (insert my name here)

6th hour (not really, maybe, somewhat...)

                To whom it may concern...

                 Hello dearest reader.   How are you? That's great to hear.  (If you are not feeling peachy as an apple, please disregard the previous statement.)  I just wanted to let you know, that out of all the essays you picked up, I'm glad you chose mine.   Really I have this touched deeply feeling in- oh wait no, that was a burp.  Soooooo I don't know what rubric I'm supposed to using for this, let alone what it's supposed to be written about.  I think I'll just let my mind wander and conjure up some stories if that's okay with you valued reader.

                You know what?   I'm gonna give you advice on how to meditate and clear your mind.  (clears throat)  Okay so lay/lie on your stomach. (I've never understood which word is proper to use in this case)  Now chant these words out loud.  Seriously, chant them out loud while reading this.  Im-on-e-dee-yot.  Chant faster.  IM-ON-E-DEE-YOT!  Faster!  No, no, no,  much faster than that.  ROFL. I just made you call yourself an idiot :) All in good humor of course, I don't really think your an idiot.  Next clear your mind of all negative thoughts like the fact you left the bath water running and you're going to end up flooding your house.  Or that the debt crises just keeps getting worse and worse each passing day. Breathe in... Now out.  Picture yourself standing in a meadow, with long, flowing, green grass.  Where we live there are a bunch of snakes.   So don't think about how just standing in the meadow, you're putting yourself in danger of getting bitten by snakes.   My friend just informed me that me talking about snakes biting you, has probably made you think of snakes biting you.   To make that better picture yourself with a can of snake repellant.  Spray it all around.  Bye-bye snakes, you won't be biting us today.  Now your floating above the grand canyon.  Don't think about how much it would hurt to fall down the big, rocky, BIG, grand canyon...  At most you would have a VERY MINOR case, of serious neck injuries. Breathe in... and out.  Now you're at a bridge that leads to happiness.  Of course you can't cross the bridge because of the scary troll that lives underneath.  So for now until you think of a way to get rid of the troll, you will only be able to stare at the bridge... but what's this?  The magical (and real) Santa Clause has given you a bazooka.  Now  you can cross the bridge to happiness without worrying about the troll.  You will only have the guilty conscience of knowing you killed the troll who never did anything to harm you.  *tisk tisk tisk*   Now don't you feel better after doing that meditation?

                Humhumhum.  You know that song "Friday" by Rebecca Black?  I was listening to that song today and immediately my brain had a brilliant idea for a story.  Do you want to hear it?  Oh no I couldn't possibly.  Well if you insist.

                It was a dark and stormy night in the middle of October.  The night seamed to howl the words, 'Carol!  Where's my 2% milk?!'  Turns out it was Mr. Wheedle yelling at his wife to bring him his 2% milk.        It was quiet within the house.  The girl stood at her window, gazing into the stormy clouds.  Her mind fixated on that one question, no one could ever seem to answer for her.  What are the handles for corn on the cob called?  She always pondered this, but no one ever knew the answer.  She thought about this for two more minutes before finally deciding to sit down and watch Jersey Shore.

                  As she watched, she began to think of other questions like, how come the cameras are already in the cabs before they ever get in?  Why do Ronnie and Sam continue to say "things will be different. I won't be that person in Jersey. "?  When in fact they are still that person from Jersey, still on a show called Jersey Shore.  *Why are they still together? *(status of subject to change often) 

                Her thoughts were then interrupted by a knock at the door.  She got up and opened it.  It was the Pizza Hut delivery guy      

"That'll be $15.67."  He said.

The girl gave him the money, took the pizza, sat her tuccas down on the couch, and munched away on pepperoni pizza.  After she got done she brushed her teeth, and went to bed.

The End.

                That isn't really the story I think of when I hear the song "Friday".  That's actually how my night went.  When you order from Pizza Hut, make sure you say something along the lines of, "Yes, and I would also like extra pepperoni."  If you don't then they will hand you a box filled with cheese pizza, and a light sprinkle of pepperoni!  Seriously I hate that so much.  When you ask for a type of pizza, they need to make it distinctively clear that it has the topping you want on it. But I digress.

                The story I think of when I hear "Friday", goes something like this.

                I knew my day was going to stink, when Bethany pushed me out of the 7th story window.

The End.

                I don't want to sound mean but that's seriously what I thought of.  I personally don't believe that singing is her call to life.  It's probably something like being a peach vendor, or the actors who get to be real life people in remakes you find on discovery channel.  But what do I know? 

                It has occurred to me that you may not remember who I am, or what hour you have me in.  Well don't feel bad, I don't even have you as a teacher.  A friend of mine told me to do this.  Forced me actually.  I won't name names, but it rhymes with Dayla Kice. *Cough switch the D and K cough!*  If you want to continue reading, by all means, go ahead, who's stopping you?  Maybe under the circumstances that mischievous Dayla Kice, is forcing you to stop reading this well written, master piece of an essay.  But I'm not stalking you, so I don't know.   What your about to read is my real story, about the song Friday.

                It all went wrong that fateful day, when the protesters overthrew the government.  They shouted out, "THE RENT IS TOO (beavers) DAMM HIGH!"  Obama was last seen heading into a cave where it is rumored he will live for the duration of this apocalyptic state. 

                For forty days and forty nights, we went without government people yelling at us to pay outrageously high taxes.   At first it seemed like heaven, but it quickly became Helsinki on earth.  Literally. The devil unleashed his fiendish ghouls upon what used to be, the wonderful land of America, and became Sarah Palin's opponent for the 2012 election.  The people gladly voted in Sarah Palin's favor.  But the day of the inauguration she went "missing".  The Russians were very happy about that, because now they could go about their business without having her staring at them from her house. 

                The Devil became President in her place.  He imposed new laws like you must sign a contract with your soul if you want to shop for groceries.   Nobody liked that law at all.

                  Everyone lived in fear of him.  Until one day, a brave warrior from Canada came over.  The brave warrior challenged the Devil to a rock paper scissors contest.  The winner would get to choose where the loser ended up.  The Devil readily accepted.  They both shook hands and began their duel.  Brave warrior from Canada got the first point, with the Devil coming from behind to tie the game.  It was down to the last point.  They both began the rock paper scissors chant, when all of a sudden a person from the peanut gallery, slingshot a pineapple instantly knocking out Devil. 

                The people then strapped him onto a rocket sending him into space.  Forever.  Never to return.  As the rocket left the earth's atmosphere, the song "still alive" from portal could be heard playing in the background.

The End.

               

Reasons to Read This Blog.

         HELLO to all you out there in blogger land.  How are you?  That's great to hear.  I just wanted to write a little post as to why you won't regret reading this blog.  Out of all the blogs you could have chosen to read, I'm touched deeply that you chose mine to read first.  Really I am.  I have this touched deeply feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Oh wait, nope, that's just indegestion.
       I should probably go get some tums after typing this.  I wonder if I should get the mint or the fruity flavored ones.  You know dearest reader, I never understood as to why companies made fruit flavored medicine things.  You feel sick to your stomach, so why would you want to eat something fruity?  It would make more sense to just make it a minty or peppermint flavor.  Speaking of which have you had pepto-bismol before?  What kind of a question is this, everyone's had pepto-bismol at some point in their life.  Anyways, they make it to where it looks bad, smells bad, and tastes bad.  When your stomach feels like someone stuck a gallon of sour milk in it, the last thing you want is something that looks, smells, and tastes bad.  It is just insane I tell you!  Hold on, I feel like I've gone off course a little here.
      Anywho, you should read this blog because you will find an assortment of things.  Such as, shenanigans, near death expieriences, randomness, words, more words, and even a little joy from knowing your not the only one who's done something like that.